A Skyline of Memories

“They say I'm old-fashioned, and live in the past, but sometimes I think progress progresses too fast!” – Dr. Seuss

The last few weeks have been a struggle for me with so many unwanted goodbyes staking their claim. I’ve been working on writing this for over a week if that says anything at all.

“It’s the oldest story in the world. One day you’re 17 and planning for someday. And then quietly and without you ever really noticing someday is today. And then someday is yesterday. And this is your life.” – Nathan Scott

How do seconds turn into months in a matter of minutes? Like the time between the sunrise and sunset…yesterday was hello and today is already goodbye yet a book could be written on all that stands between. A chapter for each friend made, a song for each feeling, a verse for each lesson…

            Nine times I’ve moved in the last two years. Nine times I’ve gotten close to people and had to say the word I dread the most. Nine times. Two years. People always talk about how physically draining moving is but physical exhaustion heals while emotional exhaustion grows. Saying goodbye to people is something that seems to grow increasingly difficult. I used to think I would get used to all the goodbyes and they would hurt less but they prove to be stubborn in their toll.  

“Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.” – Dr. Seuss

            In the past 4 months, I have met so many amazing people who have impacted my life in a million different ways; seems to be the story of my life for the last 3 years, constantly meeting amazing people who leave their mark. Maybe the hardest part is thinking about the future without each face there everyday and maybe goodbyes grow increasingly difficult because each of you hold a piece of me as I carry memories of you.

I’ve spent a lot of time feeling unwanted and undeserving and recently someone pointed out to me how much of that was in my head. I’ve been the one at fault. Although important people have decided they didn’t want me in their life, ultimately it has been up to me to allow others to care about me since and to let myself believe I deserve that care. God sure has been trying to show me that the last couple years. Imagine moving so many times and having people at each place reach out and pull you into their lives and families as if you were there all along. I never expected that in all the times I had to pack up and say goodbye. More than that though I didn’t expect those people to keep caring when I was gone. Family is so much more than blood to me.

“No matter how you get there or where you end up, human beings have this miraculous gift to make that place home.” – Creed Bratton (The Office)

            I’m not so sure its about individuals making each place feel like home as they move along, I think it has everything to do with the people who surround you and how welcome they make you feel. I think about all the people who have had an impact on my life since I was just a kid until now and all the people who have welcomed me into their lives and the list amazes me. It took me until now to realize all the people God has put in my life to make me understand people do care. Sometimes it’s still hard to feel like I deserve that care because it feels like I’ve done nothing to earn any of it but then I think about God and how loving He is. None of us have earned His love yet he piles it on us, an endless supply despite our offenses.

“I wish there was a way to know you’re in the good ol’ days before you’ve actually left them.” – Andy Bernard (The Office)

As much as I hate the goodbyes and even the see-ya-laters, the people I’ve had to say goodbye to are the people who kept me going throughout all the moving and rough times. God put every single person I’ve met in my life for a reason and I don’t think words could ever express how much each of you have impacted my life. In fact, I know they couldn’t. So many people think true friends are measured by the communication kept up with when distance grows and life becomes busy but I can’t agree with that. Life does happen, time seems to become shorter each day as the workload increases and new people are brought into our lives. True friends are the friends who can go months without talking and within seconds of seeing each other feel like there was never a lapse in time.

‘There’s a lot of beauty in ordinary things, isn’t that kinda the point?” – Pam Halpert (The Office)

            All of you are going to wonder about some of the things on here and recognize just what applies to you but here it is, a list of the ordinary that is more like extraordinary to me:

• Movie night
• Tiki Island
• Memes…so many memes
• Solace
• Bible study
•  VeggieTales
• Whataburger nights
• Erroneous in Physics…NASA class maybe?
• Coastal Community Church
•  #foreveralone
• Gatherings at Trish’s house
• Beach trips and burns
• Movies so horrible we couldn’t help but laugh
• Late nights laughing instead of studying
• Band trips and competitions
• Skype dates
•  Girl talk by the pool
• Scary movie nights with sushi
• Late nights at Nestle
•  Early mornings at Panera
•  French chefs
• Taste of the NFL
• The times at school when some of us figured out our dreams were different than we thought and others found our calling
• Lunches and dinners outside with the birds
•  Making friends in soup kitchens
• Checkin’ Crew
• Driving just to drive
• Ecuador
• Talks through tears
• Long talks in parking lots
• Bowling
• Family dinners with new family
• Aggie mom meetings
•  Going to every restaurant on my favorite’s list
• Hugs
• Color Vibe
• Making fantastic dinners with an old and new sister
• Scary 5 am parking lot meetings haha
• All-nighters that lead up to those scary parking lot meetings
• Insanity…but really
• Hours of trying on clothes to find the right outfit
• Everyone who has helped me get to where I am, even in the small ways
•  The Quarries (wopping, kitchen adventures, clicking, boy talk)
•  Experiments in the kitchen
• Middle school sleepovers
• Concerts with best friends
•  Fightin’ Texas Aggie Football!
• Exploring
•  Every moment everyone in the room was laughing so hard it was silent
• Funfetti cake box signed for my birthday
• Puddin
• Area competition when the lights went out and we went around telling everyone in our section something amazing about them
• Can’t really sum up all the moments with my siblings…love you guys
• Starbucks
• The game of LIFE
• Beehives
• Trying to plan events for over 200 students
• Endless music copies
•  Birthday celebrations
•  Dancing
• The moments we realized sometimes other people have been through the same difficult stuff
•  Salt and pepper
• Bonfires
• Broken down cars
• Ridiculous zoo trips and pictures
•  Speech class in high school
• Prayer
• Pranks
•  6^th grade shenanigans in science class
•  Darts
•  Boy talk
•  Middle school dances and horrible haircuts
• Endless filing of paperwork and the humor through it all
• La Madeleine
• Bonding over Josh Groban and a million other things in the wee hours of the morning
• Hours of catching up instead of sleeping
• Watching Friends every night with Amadeus
• Houlihans
•  Sticky notes on the wall when goodbye was too hard
•  The days of Simple Plan, wearing all black and the Jalapa
• Sunday mornings over the years
• Stories of scars, broken hearts, laughter and wishes
• Holidays
• Wal-Mart and Kroger runs
• Hours of working out filled with stories, laughing, and funny faces
• Home (all of them)
• The awful jobs and the awesome jobs
• Call of Duty, confetti eggs and fishing
• Shark week and storm chasing
• The bucket list
• Nights filled with venting
• Discussions of favorite shows and the emotions that went along
• Writing
• Quotes that help us put words to how we feel
• Music
• Crazy cakes
•  Sunrise and sunset
• Sitting in chemistry wondering when we were going to learn something
•  Bonding in honors band when our part was nothing more than holding out a note for a trillion measures
•  The weird in us all
• The moments I sat in a class and was taught more than school subjects; I was taught about God, life and that there would always be people who believed in me
• Everyone who has ever been there for me
• Cake decorating
• Drunk coffee pots
• Scrapbooking and making mums
• Inside jokes and quotes
• The good and bad, firsts and lasts, bests and worsts, smiles and tears, and understanding and disagreements that led to this. To today, tomorrows yesterday, and yesterday’s someday.

“I’m glad we had the times together just to laugh and sing a song, seems like we just got started and then before you know it, the times we had together were gone.”

– Dr. Seuss

I’ve learned how important it is to let people know how much they mean to me and over the next few days I’m going to go back in time and continue to tag more people in this post. I don’t want anyone to look at the list of people tagged and feel unimportant or like I just tagged everyone because I couldn’t narrow it down. That’s the opposite of what I want. You all mean more than you could imagine to me and this is my way of saying you will always be someone who had some affect on my life and you aren’t and never will be forgotten. It may seem like a big list of people, but that is truly because God has put so many wonderful people in my life and I promise you everyone tagged has had an impact on my life and I’d say that makes me incredibly lucky.

“If you don’t figure out this something, you’ll just stay ordinary, and it doesn’t matter if it’s a work of art, or a taco, or a pair of socks! Just create something…new, and there it is, and it’s out, out in the world, outside of you, and you can look at it, or hear it, or read it, or feel it…and you know a little more about…you. A little bit more than anyone else does…” – Holly Kennedy

            And there it is. Each of you has been an addition to a masterpiece in the works, an ever-growing work of art. A piece that can be seen, heard, read and felt. With each stroke of the brush, measure of notes added, word written and emotion attached, I learn a little bit more about me. Though paintings may fade, music becomes silent and words come to a finish, emotions leave their mark like a skyscraper built of memories on the life’s skyline.  

God's Not an Elephant

     An elephant never forgets. Just like elephants, we hang on to every little thing that has happened to us telling ourselves we can't and won't forget what was done or said to us by someone. As I write this it pains me to say that I've spent my whole life being just like an elephant; I'll forgive but I won't forget being my everyday excuse. My eyes were opened this morning in a big way. 

     Luke 23:34 is the perfect example of forgiveness. "Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do. And they parted his raiment, and cast lots." Despite how horribly Jesus was being abused and insulted and the pain he was put through, he asked God to forgive those who were hurting him. I don't know about anyone else, but the last thing I think about when someone has hurt me is forgiveness. I become angry, upset, hurt and if I'm being honest, sometimes I want them to feel that pain too. Each day my attitude toward the people who have hurt me evolves as I realize we all have a choice between being angry at that person or realizing its in the past and that those pieces of hurt are like a piece of stone being chipped at. Each time we feel pain, another piece is broken off to form us into the masterpiece He intends for us to be. Without hurt we remain a stone with no character, so if I take that one step further, shouldn't I be thankful for those who have hurt me for helping form me?
     When Jesus says "they know not what they do", he isn't implying they didn't realize they were hurting him. Sure, it's possible for us to hurt others without realizing we are hurting them but most of the time, we know exactly what we are doing. Revenge, right? God is just and He tells us in Romans 12:19 that it isn't our place to get back at others for how they've hurt us. "Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord." He knows our hearts and lives better than anyone and He will take care of things as He sees fit. Now, don't go waiting for terrible things to happen to people because of this, that isn't how God works. It could be the immediate forgiveness you show to that person that changes their heart or at least starts them on a different path. Have you ever said something mean to someone and had them forgive you before you even apologize? Whoa! How do you even handle that situation? Wouldn't that make you rethink things a tad bit? So while they are trying to figure out what they are doing and how they are acting, you can take the hurt, learn from it and pray about it. 
     In the last few months, I've thought long and hard about the people who have inflicted pain on me physically and emotionally. When they hurt me, what was going on in their life? Were they going through a hard time? What was their life like growing up? Were they feeling lost? These questions are endless really. Just as what I've gone through has impacted who I am, what they've gone through has impacted them. Again I say, we all have a choice in how we respond to situations and who we become after them but for some people, they weren't taught to take the high road and some felt like they absolutely couldn't. Maybe those harsh words or punches were a result of something much worse that happened to them. Those bullied become the bully because the only way they can find to feel better about themselves is through hurting others. Can we really hold it against them then? 
     I'll admit that I used to view forgiveness as weakness, like I was giving in and they were winning. Now I know that forgiveness is strength. It took amazing love, courage, grace and strength for Jesus to forgive all who hurt him. That is the kind of forgiveness we should show to all. 

     Here is the part that really hit me this morning though: forgetting. Not in the literal sense of course because without some kind of medical reasoning, I'm not even sure that is possible, but in the sense that we don't act like something happened to us. Let me explain that one a little bit better before I lose you. In Psalm 103, David talks about God's great love for us. Verse 12 says "As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us." The first time I read this verse I had to go back and reread it a few times to stop myself from being completely speechless. When we come to God with our sins, admit it all and ask for forgiveness, not only does He forgive us but he completely wipes our slate clean! Doesn't that sound too good to be true? The cool thing is, its not! When we do things that we know are wrong and we hurt God, He forgives us and He forgets. Once again, let me clarify, God doesn't literally forget the things we've done but He doesn't carry them around ready to hold them against us if the opportunity arises. Those things we are hurt by are stored away on a shelf as something we only remember so we can learn and grow from them. If we forgive someone, we have stopped ourselves from being upset with them for what they did but if we 'forget', we stop ourselves from carrying around the hurt like a constant burden. To put it quite frankly, forgetting is a matter of learning to stop feeling sorry for ourselves and learning to not spend every single day acting like a victim. Use all the pain to build your testimony, don't let it define you and lead others to wonder where your faith truly lies. This was something I personally needed to realize and I already feel so much better now that I have. 

     It's good to know God's not an elephant and now it's time to stop being one myself. 
     

A Wound Cut Deeper

    I know so many people who are constantly being hurt by other people and its something that has been weighing heavy on my thoughts because these people are absolutely incredible and I want them to know and believe that. I grew up being told I wasn't good enough by the people who's opinion of me mattered the most and struggled for the longest time with believing I deserved more than that. When bad things happened in my life and to me, I always just believed that I deserved it because I wasn't worth anything more. So you may be sitting there wondering why I didn't just ignore what was said to me and why I believed it, maybe you think I'm stupid. Grow up in a home where you are told by the people you look up to the most, starting at a young age, that you need to be better because you're worthless and you start to believe it whether you really want to or not. So when someone comes along and tells you the opposite, you truly believe they don't mean what they are saying. How could someone possibly think I'm smart, beautiful, amazing, fun, talented? Suddenly that person is marked off in your book as being someone you can trust because there is no way they could possibly mean what they say. It's all a lie. 

    We all know a paper cut on the surface hurts and stings worse than any deep gash. In the same way, words can and do hurt worse than any other source of pain. 

    

    Words hurt. Bruises fade, scratches and cuts heal, bones recover, and the physical pain fades but the heart doesn't heal that way. Grow up in a home with endless hours of being put down and being told that you aren't good enough and everything that is wrong with you as if there is anything right. Right?

     I am a writer but I am not naïve in my writing. I understand the power of words, even a word that stands alone. If you were to walk by two people talking and heard the word ‘holocaust’ and nothing else, it wouldn’t really matter what other words were attached in that sentence. At that moment, anything you have been taught about the horrible events of the Holocaust would come flooding in, not necessarily in pictures or memories, but maybe in emotions. Sadness, sympathy, anger, disgust, and maybe the inability to believe we could live in such a harsh world would surface even if for just a moment.

     A single word can cause a tremendous amount of pain for one person but a feeling of love and warmth for another. You hear the words ‘mom’ or ‘dad’ and one of many feelings may arise. Most people would smile and be reminded of all the great times they had with their parents, fun vacations, long talks, helpful advice and a feeling of love. Then there are those who would be reminded of pain, abandonment, bruises, maybe hate and the bucket full of tears they kept hidden beneath their bed so no one could say they weren’t strong.

“I’m not the only kid

who grew up this way

surrounded by people who used to say

that rhyme about sticks and stones

as if broken bones

hurt more than the names we got called

and we got called them all

so we grew up believing no one

would ever fall in love with us

that we’d be lonely forever

that we’d never meet someone

to make us feel like the sun

was something they built for us

in their tool shed

so broken heart strings bled the blues

as we tried to empty ourselves

so we would feel nothing

don’t tell me that hurts less than a broken bone

that an ingrown life

is something surgeons can cut away

that there’s no way for it to metastasize

it does” 

– Shane Koyczan

           

     Children are abused verbally in school and at home so they shut themselves off from the world, some choose to end their suffering by letting death stake it’s claim, others push toward solitude and can become aggressive right back. Those who become aggressive finish out school throwing the punches in any way they know how because putting someone else down makes them feel a little bit better about themselves. One day they start a family and as long as they’re happy, things are fine but as soon as one nerve is pinched the rage turns to their spouse, maybe even a child. The kid who grows up in that home with harsh words and thrown fists spends their life angry and so many turn into the person they never wished.

     Now what about that kid in the corner or the quiet one at work? Surely they are fine sitting by themselves. Does it matter that no one includes them because of how they talk, their smell, weight, or an illness they’ve had since being a child? If that’s what you believe, here is a surprise; the absence of words can do all the same things, bring serious pain and lead to a constant cry. It’s amazing to think that silence can be like constant stabs at a heart, someone’s self-confidence, and how they think the rest of their lives.

     If you think about it for just a moment you’ll soon realize, sometimes it’s the absence of something that leaves the biggest imprint. Do any of us like to feel unwanted, rejected and pushed aside?

     I've found in my life that God is the healer of hearts. For every put down he supplies an eternal put up, a love so endless. He places people in our lives to build us up and gives us a shoulder to cry on no matter what. Without Him, my heart would be nothing more than the aftermath of a long war but His hand is always reached out to embrace each of us for everything we are, no matter what others may say. Just like the rising and setting sun, your beauty is endless for He is our creator and comforter. 

Zephaniah 3:17 - "The Lord your God in your midst, the Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.”